I had an OB appointment this morning. I was so excited to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. Since it was pouring down rain this morning Jesse and Olivia stay home and I braved the rain.
Based on my last menstrual cycle I'm 12 weeks but two ultrasounds show that I'm only 9 weeks along. So my due date was officially change to October 11th today. Which I already knew. I was excited to see Dr E. She delivered Olivia (almost a year ago) and is one of the sweetest doctors I know. I've seen her a lot since Olivia was born but today was the first time I've seen her since I found out I was pregnant so I was nice to catch up.
Since I'm only nine weeks the baby is too small to hear its heartbeat so I had to have an ultrasound. Dr. E did a belly scan but since my bladder was empty (I just gave a urine sample) she wasn't able to see anything. So I had to have an internal scan. As she was doing the scan she stopped talking to me and her facial expression began to change. She turned the monitor and began asking me questions. You haven't had any bleeding? At your last ultrasound they located a fetal pole? I stopped breathing. Why was she asking me these questions. Finally she stopped and told me she could not find the baby and that she would send me downstairs for an emergency scan. I asked her what that meant. She told me that it's possible that the pregnancy has terminated itself. She told me to get dressed and that she would call downstairs. As I was getting dressed and began sobbing and praying that God would give me the strength to just breath and focus on what the doctor was telling me.
Dr. E came back in the room and said that she wanted to do another belly scan. She told me that she was not going to break my heart today. Dr. E was refusing to give up. She said she thought she saw a sac during the first belly scan. As the tears rolled down my checks I silently watched the monitor and she was right there was something there. You could barely see it but there was something inside my womb. She did another internal scan and this time the screen was completely blank. So she turned off the machine, unplugged and reconnected everything and we tried again. She quietly scanned and finally I saw the little pumpkin and a little flicker of a heartbeat. Dr E started talking again and was as relieved as I was. I was so happy to see a baby and a heartbeat but I couldn't stop crying. I was grieving and happy at the same time. She measured the heartbeat and it was a healthy 147. After the scan was done Dr. E gave me a long hug, we talked a little longer and then she left the room. Everything was fine. The machine had malfunctioned. I got dressed, gathered myself, scheduled my next appointment and went to my car.
Once I was in my car I started sobbing. I prayed and thanked God for blessing me with a baby and heartbeat but I was grieving for all those women who never saw that heartbeat. Or those women that have never had a positive pregnancy test.
I am thankful for my little miracle that is sleeping in her crib and the little miracle that is growing inside of me. A day that was suppose to be joyous caused pain, fear and then joy again. Although I know everything is okay with the little pumpkin I can't help but grieve for everyone that has the desire for a child but still has empty arms.
As Amanda said in a recent post: If desire and readiness directly affected a woman's fertility, how different would our lives be?
"For I know the plans I have for you," declared the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and future." Jeremiah 29:11